"You've reached 911. Para inglés marque el uno."

"1"

"Please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed:

To report a microaggression, press 1;

To report a suspected noose sighting or other hate crime, press 2;

To report systemic transphobia or misogyny, press 3;

To report a violent crime in progress, press 4..."

"4"

"Thank you for your call.  We are experiencing an unusually high call volume.  There are four customers ahead of you. Please stay on the line and the next available 911 customer service representative will be with you shortly."

"♫..♪....♫♫♫....♫..." (blip) "♫..♪....♫♫♫....♫..." (blip) "♫..♪....♫♫♫....♫..." (blip) "♫..♪....♫♫♫....♫..." (blip) "♫..♪....♫♫♫....♫..."

"Hello, this call is being monitored for quality assurance. How may I direct your call?"

"Help! I am being chased by a man with a knife..."

"OK, you are being transferred to our knife-based attack action response center."

"♫..♪....♫♫♫....♫..." (blip) "♫..♪....♫♫♫....♫..." (blip) "♫..♪....♫♫♫....♫..." (blip) "♫..♪....♫♫♫....♫..." (blip) "♫..♪....♫♫♫....♫..."

"Hello, I understand that you are being chased by a man with a knife. Please key in or say your address and we will assign a social worker to your case within three to five business days...."

"He's grabbed ahold of my arm! I have a gun in my purse and I'm about to shoot him."

"Wait! Don't shoot! The attacker could be a member of an under-represented social class.  I said that we are sending a social worker...."

Bang!

Click!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stanley D. Currier Archive: Seriously, Opera?

I'm beginning to think that my fellow Gwinnutians lack the stomach for looting. A while back, I heard a rumor that there was going to be a flash mob at the Mall of Georgia and so I packed a couple of bricks in my book bag and headed up to Buford planning on getting a free pair of Nike Air Jordans out of the deal.   I get up there and notice lots of people with conspiratorial expressions milling about the food court, so I plant myself right in front of the entrance to Foot Locker and wait for the signal. All of the sudden, someone blows a pitch pipe and, get this, people start singing opera. Yeah, everyone's coming out of the wood works bellowing out friggin' Wagner. (Quite frankly, IMHO, Puccini might provide a better background for a riot, but ... whatever.) So I wait, figuring that this was just a prelude to the "get free stuff" part of the flash mob. And I wait. And I wait. About half way through the Ring Cycle I start thinking "You know, I like 19th c
Read more

The Stanley D. Currier Archive: Hillary's Coup

Make no mistake about it: that repulsive old beast Hillary is running. Maybe it's a stealth campaign for now, but she's running. This impeachment thing has Hillary’s Machiavellian stench all over it.  Consider the following timeline: September 24th: Pelosi caves to the congressional radicals and announces an impeachment inquiry after weeks prayerful consideration (she prays to Moloch, by the way). October 2019: Hillary haunts the talk show circuit once again. November 2019: Impeachment inquiry instituted in the House.  Either the Republicans take the bait or the Democrats sua sponte release evidence of Hunter Biden’s getting $50K monthly salary from Ukrainian oil company for doing essentially nothing (nice work if you can get it!).  As evidence of Joe’s complicity surfaces, Biden’s numbers take a hit.  This also has the added benefit of deflecting attention away from the Squad, the California Dems and fellow travelers. December 2019: Joe’s poll numbers plummet well below t
Read more

Stanley D. Currier Archive: Women's Soccer on the Radio

Speaking of women's soccer, I just heard this on Portland radio the other day: “GOOOOOOOD MORNING PORTLAND!!!!!! Say Suzy, are you feelin' kinda Thorny today?"  "Ooooh! Why yes, Derek, now that you mention it."  "Well.....Get ready for KBOO Day at the Portland Thorns on the 19th! Women's soccer at its finest! We've got 12 Thorns tickets to give away throughout the day. To get the ball rolling (nyuk, nyuk), the third caller during the next song who can tell us the first name of the Thorns’ team captain will win a free pair of tickets to the Thorns game on Thursday the 19th.” “It's the Derek and Suzy Show and weeee’re back! Don’t forget that Thursday, the 19th is KBOO Day at the Thorns! You can join Derek & Suzy - Portland’s craziest DJ’s - with two free (yep, I said FREE!) tickets to the Thorns. Be the first caller during the next song to tell us the team captain’s first or last name and you'll be hanging with us at the Thorns!” “Yep!  We
Read more